Remembering my father

I said I will write once in a while and I will from now on. Just to pen my views on things.

I went to Langkawi for a holiday recently with my family. There I took a picture with my daughter and not only after I saw the picture again when I was downloading it to the laptop, I realised that the pose in the picture is the same as the picture of me and my late father. At that moment I realised how much I miss my father and how much I miss talking to him and how much I miss his advice (even though most of the time I don’t listen and do things on my own).

I never really talk about my father before on this forum and may be this is the only time I will put this in writing. I first learn about his demise from my wife when I was in a meeting on December 14, 2007. He passed in the land of the Prophet Musa (Moses) near the Mount Sinai at the age of 59. Frankly I didn’t mind him being buried there and even if I can’t really “visit” him, I always know that he is at a happy place and I always pray that his soul will be blessed always.

I am not going to talk about his demise till the end here. It has been more than six months ago but I just want to share some of the memories I have with him. My father has always been the assertive type and he always tells me this and that. Don’t do this and don’t do that. You know the Will Smith song? Ever since I was small and that didn’t stop with me getting a piece of paper I called a degree. At first (of course any teenager will say so) I was all against the idea but when I look back now and after having children of my own I know why and I appreciate that a lot actually and I know that all he was trying to do is to protect me.

When I started secondary school, he sent me to a “sekolah pondok” and I didn’t like it. I tried to find excuses to make him change his mind I even purposely failed several subjects to show protest. I just want him to transfer me to a different school. He was adamant to let me continue in the school and I had to. But despite all that, he was always there to encourage me and he visited me almost every fortnight to give support. I didn’t see it then but now, I appreciate the fact that I went there and what I learned there and I wish I’ve done something more to please him.

He told me once that he didn’t prefer me going out with this girl and I was not agreeable to that. I didn’t see much at that time. Love blinded me I supposed and I was all against him. I tried my very best to defy his wish and I did. But after a while, I saw through the girl and I admit, my father was right and I wish I’ve listened to his wish. It turned out that this girl was a pain in the back.

When I was studying, my expenses were quite high and our family is not a rich family. We are not like those who’ll get what they wish for. We are not even close to a well to do family level. With me and my brothers studying, it was just enough for us to survive college and school. We didn’t have brand new cars like some other families around our place. What we have was each other. My father did his best to make us feel comfortable all the times when we were in school.

My father never told me he was in a tight budget when I needed money. He’s always there. I know once in a while, he was out of money but whenever I asked for money for whatever reasons, the money will always deposited into my account. I knew that he has borrowed money from somewhere but he never told us that and neither has he ever said no nor he complained about it. I know all father would do that for their children but I also know that some father will just let it be and leave the children without basic necessities even. To him, he’d do everything just to let his children feel comfortable with their studies and their lives.

Even when I started my career as a lawyer, he was there to assist me adjusting and getting started in the city. I borrowed his money to pay rent for my apartment and I even borrowed his money to go to work at one time. But like I say, he’s always there for me.

He’s not only there for the fiscal assistance but most of the times he’s there for spiritual and moral guidance. When we are down and we have nowhere to go, he’ll tell us to take it easy and not to think too much about what had happened. When work has gotten on my nerves, he’ll tell me to let go and take one thing at a time. He’ll always say relax and work is not all that. That soothes me along the way. Don’t get me wrong here, he wants me to work hard but not to the extent that it’ll harm myself.

He also tells me to spend some time to go and get spiritual enlightenment and listen to “ceramah” whenever I am free and this is the thing which is a little hard to achieve at this moment. May be a little perseverance will actually help me to achieve this. After all it is for my own benefits and that’s not all. I always call him for advice. I don’t know why and even if I know I will be able to decide on my own, I’d call him just to know what he’ll say on that matter in hand. It is like an automatic device that’ll prompt me to call him when I’m deciding on something.

Not only that, most of the people in know told me things which I don’t remember. All the things which he has done when I was small and I can tell you that I don’t remember anything. In short, he was the one who took care of me all these while.

Now, I can no longer do that and I no longer receive his calls just to ask me how I am doing and how his granddaughters are doing. He doesn’t call anymore to tell me what to do and I am on my own now. I know I have grown up since and have my own family now but I miss his calls, I miss his advice, I miss him telling me what to do and most of all I miss him and I will miss him always.

I know that during his lifetime, he walked thousand of miles, he has touched so many souls and have helped to shape so many lives but for what I am today, it is because of him and I am thankful for that. If you asked me who should be given award for that, I’d say my father. As the one who is still ploughing the earth today, I will continue to carry his legacy and pass that to my children.